Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
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Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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