I hate your face
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Lo siento on account of my penis...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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