i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
