She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
