Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
