dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Im part way to drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
