when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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