Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
