Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
