my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
