His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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