Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
