i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
