She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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