My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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