don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
