hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
