how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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