Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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