I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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