Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it because I queefed?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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