You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
