I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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