Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
