I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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