Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
