i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
