i barfeds in our rink
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
