is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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