Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
