So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
