i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
