i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
