So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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