i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
