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dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
God, I missed his penis.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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