FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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