you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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