no, he came in my armpit
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
