i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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