so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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