you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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