he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
