i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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