you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think your dad took our porno
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
