Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
