3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
