Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
