Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
