I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
