I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
