omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
