youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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