i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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