Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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