Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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