exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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