I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
