Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
