Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
