i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
