I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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